The Abyss

My heart is in my mouth Bittersweet and sickening  Head in fog and confused The suspense is deafening  Is it naive to hope? I close my eyes tight Don't give me bad news  I don't want to fight Perhaps I make it arduous To love me and only me I always say it's my fault  You're refusing to see You don't want to be alone You want to be enough Blind to your own beauty Insisting you're simply tough It isn't naive to hope Close your eyes tight Fall into my arms There's no need to fight Unclench your fists I'll unclench my teeth  Sync your breath to mine Refuse to sink underneath Ease my dying heart Let me fix my mistakes I'll ease your burning mind And annihilate all fakes Find once again: hope I see you in the darkness We can get out together  Towards blissful absurdness -NS

  Why do I become enraged? Why is happiness so far out of reach? Why can't I at least love myself? Why can't I appreciate my existence? Why am I tormented? Why do I ruin everything I love? Why does it feel foreign to be kind? Why do I avoid people or push them away? Where has all my energy gone? Where did joy escape to? Where can I find some strength? Where did all the time go? When is the last time I laughed? When will I stop faking contentment? When can I rest from this painful emptiness? When will I figure it out? How can I be so rude? How do others see me? How do I fix myself? How do I find refuge? I'm graceless. I'm unlovable. I'm repulsive. I'm fake. How I wish someone would just... Hold my face and assure me I am none of those things. I only want to be forgiven and understood. Perhaps I am too far gone to save. What has gone so terribly wrong in me  That I'm uncapable  Of steering my ship Through the changing tides? Why do I wreck it instead  And blam...

Muscles heavy on my face With no time to wallow On autopilot for now My eyes a sleepy hollow But you... You are electricity to my veins The shock that pulls me out Brain goes back online For now, free of doubt Because... You're the reason I feel brave To jump, to fly, to dream and soar You've given me many first times  Shown me what life can be for And I hope... I've shown you love that never gives up That we can always find a reason to laugh I will always be ready to fight by your side I swear, give me a damn polygraph! And I know... I can always find a reason to smile Even if you are not near me Not sure why I worry so much I try to breathe and just be Perhaps... All this is just too novel Freedom previously unknown But navigating it all with you It is possible we can truly be known -NS