The Abyss

  Why do I become enraged? Why is happiness so far out of reach? Why can't I at least love myself? Why can't I appreciate my existence? Why am I tormented? Why do I ruin everything I love? Why does it feel foreign to be kind? Why do I avoid people or push them away? Where has all my energy gone? Where did joy escape to? Where can I find some strength? Where did all the time go? When is the last time I laughed? When will I stop faking contentment? When can I rest from this painful emptiness? When will I figure it out? How can I be so rude? How do others see me? How do I fix myself? How do I find refuge? I'm graceless. I'm unlovable. I'm repulsive. I'm fake. How I wish someone would just... Hold my face and assure me I am none of those things. I only want to be forgiven and understood. Perhaps I am too far gone to save. What has gone so terribly wrong in me  That I'm uncapable  Of steering my ship Through the changing tides? Why do I wreck it instead  And blam...

Muscles heavy on my face With no time to wallow On autopilot for now My eyes a sleepy hollow But you... You are electricity to my veins The shock that pulls me out Brain goes back online For now, free of doubt Because... You're the reason I feel brave To jump, to fly, to dream and soar You've given me many first times  Shown me what life can be for And I hope... I've shown you love that never gives up That we can always find a reason to laugh I will always be ready to fight by your side I swear, give me a damn polygraph! And I know... I can always find a reason to smile Even if you are not near me Not sure why I worry so much I try to breathe and just be Perhaps... All this is just too novel Freedom previously unknown But navigating it all with you It is possible we can truly be known -NS

This Path– I chose to take it earlier on. I tossed it all to the wayside. Everything I thought I knew– Whether inculcated into me Or projected by my assumptions– I shed it all. I didn’t know In gaining understanding  Of the world Peeling back emotion To interact  At face value That the shadow man I thought I was conquering Was still there In the end. That no matter  How much you think You have let  Him go He is you And you  Are he. That as One   Scales back assumptions To grow In  Understanding  One must also Scale back What Has been piling Up in the shadows All  These years. At some  Point It must all  Come out To pave the way For newness. This isn’t A  One and done Kind of  Thing. You don’t Just believe it  And let it be. No This is  The mystery Of Life and Death  Good and evil Opposites  In general. You may  Think you know But You never Really know  Until You  See. Everything. See eve...

Thoughts like rain Inundate the mind This blank page Effortlessly lined The carpenter crafts the table The hitter bats the ball Me? My thoughts burst Through every mental wall Some are quite good Others rather bad Some are the very best I've really ever had Some intrude Others are invited But once they begin The conflagration is ignited These old and fresh thoughts They come and they go Thoughts! These companions Evermore flow

When a child sees me They see a reflection of themselves Parents witness familiar interactions "Come on! Let's go home" They draw the child away Proffering up red herrings & empty distractions Evil. Wretched. Get away! Children grow and soon forget And, I sink again into sweet oblivion I am the lock & key Finger against pursed lips Frequency beneath the pendulum The people blame me for their crimes Though they forget my face Yet, I take it all just the same My eyes are older than the trees My voice more silent than a breeze My essence unbounded by a name Oh sweet oblivion What few mortals  Dare ride out beyond the sea? On the shores they stay Far far away And never really search for me But, here am I Here I'll be Speaking through the Poet's page I am beyond Time Just to be seen by the seeker Is my only desirable wage

I sang a song You probably heard it wrong Something other than it Was intended to be Perhaps the meaning was elusive Or your critique rather abusive But the song Still broke free The chandelier began to shatter Stirring up quite the chatter As the song Made its way through All the people were shocked  Thought they were being mocked  Yet heard something  Familiar and true They sat out The Dance Didn’t take a chance Being told It wasn’t worth their while Master says what’s acceptable  Upright & quite respectable So they just Shut the fuck up and smile  Yes, the song caused a scene Pulled their eyes from each screen They looked around And couldn’t believe  How the faces they saw Were unfiltered and raw Unlike what they were Accustomed to see Those “hearts” they wanted Were not there when confronted A tinge of feeling Rather insecure The song passed their feet Lifting them off each seat As they each made their way To the floor

I scroll & scroll I’m on a roll Certainly something’s worth my time Another fight Who’s wrong or right? The latest romance or moral crime So many places So many faces Which deserves my thumbs up? I don’t like that Now I feel fat Oh look someone designed a cup! I can’t do it Oh well screw it! Some one cares about my day! Here’s a pic This makes me tick I’ve said all there is to say Time to mine Each headline To keep me up to date Views crystallized Post terrorized Now I’m feeling great!